Gand obosit

Se pare ca, intr-adevar pentru a pastra o prietenie este nevoie ca la un moment dat sa inchizi ambii ochi, ajungand pana la o orbire voluntara.
Faptul de a renunta la lumina zilei poate parea ca un sacrificiu PENTRU a salva o relatie.

In schimb, eu ma intreb, care este limita de la care deja aceasta "lasare" este tocmai un process de "dezvoltare" a ignorantei si a slabiciunii? Este oare un produs al lasitatii sau lenei de a construi o noua relatie?Pana la urma, din intreaga idee a ta despre cum ar trebui sa fie ceva raman doar proprietati mediocre.
Ce mai este de valoare in viata, daca toate actiunile nostre sunt imbrobodite de minciuna?

Sincronizare

...este poate una dintre cele mai importante lucruri in relatiile intre oameni. :)

Este atat de trist ca daca ea nu exista, exista o probabilitate imensa ca relatia sa se duca de rapa, chiar daca sentimentele ce i-au dat nastere erau puternice. Orice relatie evolueaza in timp, iar persoanele implicate trebuie sa evolueza in aceeasi directie, poate cu aceeasi viteza, altfel se vor naste conflicte direct proportionale cu sentimentele implicate.

Este asemanator situatiei cand dragostea dintre iubiti se transforma in iubire in momente diferite. Cand unul mai e indragostit, insa celalaltsimte deja/numai iubirea.

Insa ce este mai trist decat sa ai riscul pierderii unei prietenii speciale din cauza ca pentru una dintre persoane sentimentul a evoluat in alta directie decat pentru cealalta? Unul cere mai mult decat cealalta poate oferi, iar din asta se nasc poate reprosuri, o suparare nejustificata pentru cealalta.
Este vorba despre prietenia dintre o fata si un baiat, nesincronizata in sentimente, si totusi o prietenie care a devenit de neinlocuit si care lipseste cand totul devine acrisor din cauza neimplinirii dorintei ambilor.

Pana la urma, in ambele cazuri, ramane doar speranta ca sentimentele si persoanele sunt destul de puternice sa aseze sentimentele lor pe locul 2 si sa astepte. Timpul rezolva problema de sincronizare, ducand cele 2 sentimente la locul potrivit. :)

Este trist, totusi...

Ma gandeam de ore in sir la intrarea de blog ce o sa o scriu in momentul in care ajung inapoi in camera, in schimb acum cand as avea ocazia sa o scriu, ma simt golita de ganduri si sentimentele ce ma copleseau pe malul lacului, in timpul si dupa apusul soarelui, ascultand muzica live country langa un mic foc. Simteam o frumusete de nedescris prin toate mijloacele perceptive, una atat de mare ca ma facea fericita si melancolica in acelasi timp, incat greu imi puteam opri lacrimile ce se pregateau sa imi scape din coltul ochilor. Gandeam in versuri atunci, in schimb acum tot la ce ma pot gandi este patul proaspat facut langa mine si ca ar fi bine sa dorm.

Asta ma duce cu gandul la efemeritatea tuturor sentimentelor, lucru trist, caci te face sa realizezi cat de instabil este sufletul uman. Orice sentiment puternic se poate pierde intr-o clipa, ceea ce te facea puternic si convins dispare, lasandu-te obosit de voianta de a face bine si de a te dedica unei cauze.

Tot la ce ma pot gandi este ca sunt obosita si ca vreau sa adorm.
Noapte Buna!

Second thoughts

Probably, the secret of happyness lies in your ability to move on. :)

We make decisions evry day of our lives: small decisions, big decisions and life changing decisions. In a crucial moment, maybe we make very quickly a decisions which will affect us for the rest of our lives. We will doubt it for sure many times, because no matter what we choose, we have to leave something good behind. Loosing something makes anyone depressed, it is in our human nature.
What to do? I dont know. Maybe moving on, without thinking of the consequences and without looking back, could be the best solution. I learned it yesterday, when I faced my past again, surprizng myself that I am not unmoved by it, even if the present is so much better. A past that I forgot for many years.

Maybe the secret is trust, belief. Even if our expectations are not met and we long to something left behind, we shall trust that it is just a "bridge" to the very best.



I didnt think I will have second thoughts when leaving Romania. I loved my life in Rosenheim with all my heart. It's just I wonder if it is the right decision, if the criteria accordint to which I chose are steady and strong or they are just like dust in the wind. Are they superficial or are they the best thing in my life?
I suppose, I shall believe that instinctively I chose again what is best (that is how I make all my decisions. in a moment with "a strong mood").

"What if" s :) ...always making life sour

Some days ago I said I was so happy, that there is nothing in the world I could wish for and that I had everything. It was true. I couldn think of anything that I was missing in my life then.

There was enough one simple memory to turn all this upside down. I mean, there is only one thing that always turned me down, like an unfulfilled love, that sometimes you forget about, but it is there in your heart all the time, and every moment you remember it, youre filled with nostalgy and sadness.

During my life, I had several ideas, more like obsessions, that faded away and turned back to me. My love for theatre was one of them. The greatest one. It began when I was on the 6th grade, calmed down shortly after that, revived when I finished secondary school, in a new and more powerful form. A great obsession that determined everything I have done for four years. When I began my "dark period" in Politehnica University, I intentionally tried to forget about it, my last contact with theater being unpleasant and "a loose"...couldnt really do it 100%.
And now...that I finished my bachelors in electrical engeneering (which at the beginning I saw as a piece of art that I have to play for 4 years), maybe admitted for Masters in Germany, maybe with a relatively good job...I am hauned again by the thoght, what if I would have been stronger back then and I would have studied dramatic art. Would i have been a good actress somewhere, and not an "below avarage" engineer? (the word engineer when used with my name makes me laugh :)) ).
I would have traveled the world? Would I have had the one to love or would i have been all alone and sad? (or not sad?)

I am wondering, will I ever be able to become an artist and to practice my art? Am I good as an artist or is just an idea that keeps haunting me?

insomnii

Cum nu pot sa dorm, ceea ce era de asteptat, din cauza examenului de azi pentru care sunt indubitabil nepregatita, ma ducea gandul la de ce nu am putut sa invat cu cateva zile mai devreme mai mult sau de ce nu am putut sa invat in astia patru ani materiile din care voie da examen...de aici gandul a zburat la vina, iar de la vina la poluare...de la poluare la oameni si de la oameni la tufisuri de trandafiri. Ele se leaga intre ele, chiar prin cuvantul "vina".

Cat de frumos e un tufis de trandafiri! :) Daca il iingrijesti in fiecare zi, te porti cu grija cu el, ii arati afectiunea, ea va ramane mereu asa, inflorind an de an, impodobind curtea si ducandu-ti bucurii in inima. In schimb, daca tai florile una cate una de pe el, sau si mai rau, daca esti neglijent, tufisul se va schimba si el. Cu fiecare floare taiata, fiecare rana, el devine din ce in ce mai urat si in final ramai doar cu spinii. Mai ai atunci dreptul sa te plangi ca tot ce primesti de la trandafiri este impunsatura dureroasa de spini?

Oamenii se plang ca e aerul poluat. Ma intreb, oare nu tot ei sunt aia care il poluaza? Se plang de incalzire globala. Cine e de vina? Ei stiu numai sa acuze in stanga si in dreapta, fara sa analizeze daca nu cumva sunt tocmai ei cei care au facut totul.

...doua ganduri

Bicicleta...are doua roti, care trebuie sa fie ambele functionale. Daca una e defecta, poti sa o arunci, caci e nefunctionala. De asemenea, daca cele doua roti nu sunt potrivite, bicicleta nu va merge asa cum trebuie, avand greutatile impartite inegal intre ele.
Ce este de facut? Ajustarea celor doua roti una cu cealalta, pentru a le face asmenanatoare cat de cat... Daca ajustarea nu merge din cauza rigiditatii rotilor, bicicleta nu va merge niciodata bine.


Azi am reusit sa scap de o ura ce de mult timp o purtam. Chiar mi-am dat seama ca nici nu mai era existenta si traiam doar cu amintirea ei de odata, intr-o inertie de "te urasc si nu stiu altceva". Este vorba de profesorul meu de matematica timp de 7 ani de zile, care imi era odata cea mai nesuferita fiinta, iar orele de matematica torturi de la care ieseam deseori aproape de plans. Aveam un tratament special, fiind controlata si ascultata mai in fiecare ora, desigur, avand bilete cu subiecte "speciale", iar tatal meu era vanat pe strada ca sa poata auzi din nu si din nou aceeasi poveste: "Edit nu mai invata!".
In schimb, spre mirarea mea, azi cand l-am vazut pe D-l S., am avut un impuls sa fug dupa el si sa il salut, chiar daca nu ne-am vazut de 5 ani. Nu am mai simtit nici un sentiment negativ fata de el. Era mai mult o nepasare rece, poate chiar un pic de simpatie pentru un om batran, rac ca si mine (poate fi un motiv al neintelegerii noastre:P), un pic de recunostinta pentru cel care a fost chiar si profesorul lui Robu (rectorul Poli) si Crisan (directorul liceului). Chiar mi-ar fi venit sa ii strang mana si sa ma laud ca am succes cat de cat pe plan profesional.
Ma gandesc acum ca timpul le repara pe toate si chiar acest om pe care il detestam cu atata pasiune, ca povesteam tuturor de el si la facultate, acum imi este indiferent, chiar simpatic. :)

Oh, happy day:)

I am happy. I am happy. I feel that strange deep, calming and in the same time passionate happiness. I would like to keep this moment for eternity and share it with the only person I love/loved/will always love and with all my friends who I care for. I would like everyone to feel it.
World is a happy happy place and God exists.


... for those who wonder, Yes, I drank a bit...but this comes from deeper places:P ^^
And I think I desever it. Beginning with June everything turned around for me --I mean all the hell that began with January -- and in August it got to almost perfection (I say almost, because I am an irrecuperable unpleased lady:P).

So, I am thankful. Thankful for the feeling I got now, thankful for the miraculous turnover, for the great persons/friends I have met and thankful for Monday's interview:D (hopefully I get a job). If I win the lotto, I will be overwhelmly thankful:))) -- kidding :)

:)

Air

In a world that is not about "All My Loving " sent to her but about "Hot'n'Cold" and "Dysfunctional", "Dysfunctional" relationships that people are trying to get out of, John Lennon would sing "Imagine all the people" with tears in his eyes.





One more thing! :)

In this world it is always good to appreciate the few small things that make us happy.
"I love you always Forever"

Lucidity

... and as a result of a moment of absolute lucidity their lips drew into anger and disgust... their eyes were filled of drops of hatered, oozing carefully through their aged being...
The truth shows himself slowly, glowing through the moldy veil of lies, a result of weakness of character and opportunism. It shines so painfully, revealing all the forms and colors well hidden in the darkness of the thougths and of the heart.
A life lived in deceit, a reality that was only your own...stolen time...stolen hope...stolen spirit...

About artists

I was reading Maytreyi Devi's book "It does not die", recently discovered, which she wrote as a response to Mircea Eliade's "Maytreyi". I was wondering, is there a limit of the sacrifice for the art that artists should respect? I mean, the result of their best work has always their roots in some deep experience they might have had once. No writer can write about a tragic love if they havent experienced it in their lives. If they havent felt it before, they have to build it in themselves, but this requires somebody else's sacrifice, as well. For love, there should be complicity from 2 sides, usually equally shared. Is that fair for the non-artist? Is that actually real love, or just an instrument, a raw-material for the masterpiece?

Even I, in my high-school years, when I prepared to be an actress, responded to "If you really want to become and actress, you have to keep yourself young and you should stay away from falling in love" with: "Love helps poetry". And it helped it. I've never felt that real on the stage like the time I had that childish, unfullfilled love.

I feel that ME didn't really love Maytreyi, but the concept of the trouble he could get into if he loved her and wanted to marry her. He loved drama. He loved experiencing the new, the mistery, the unknown. But he didnt love HER as a woman. He knew this will lead to the development of his artist soul. What effect had this development on Maytreyi? She was locked in her room and married quickly to someone her partent chose for her. She was beaten up. She lost her honour in front of his family and she lost her younger (mentally ill) sister, who comitted suicide. And finally she lost her heart, her abbility to love fully again.
The question is: do artists have the right to use somebody for a higher couse? Do they have the right to distroy someones life to feed decades later people with pages of mistery and splendor?